What Ghosting Says About You (P.S. It’s Not Good)
Ghosting is bad business for you and whatever company you represent or work for. And for clarification, let’s define ghosting as the sudden and unexplained stopping of all communication in what has been an ongoing dialog without warning or explanation. What may seem like a convenient escape hatch from a potentially uncomfortable situation by one party that simply doesn’t want to tell the other party “no” is actually bad business that has long term implications.
Your reputation and credibility are your calling cards over the long haul. How you treat people, partners, and potential providers is what builds up or tears down your credibility. It’s something that you can totally control, yet too many times, ghosters believe because they are the purchaser that they have the upper hand and that their behavior doesn’t matter now or later.
Wrong.
What Ghosting say about you: you’re rude, you’re unprofessional, you’re entitled, and you’re unreliable. Very, very, very few of us can afford that reputation.
I don’t know any professional services firm (advertising, PR, marketing, accounting, the list goes on) that hasn’t been ghosted at least once (or five times) in the last year, including mine.
Case in point. A potential client who ghosted us a while ago, recently popped up in my email wanting to re-engage in the conversation for us to represent them. As if 16 months hadn’t passed without communication or explanation about why they simply stopped talking with us in the midst of a defined two-month process. No explanation. No apology. Just assumption that we’d pick up the baton where they’d dropped it. As if I wouldn’t remember how they’d treated us.
People remember not being treated well. Everyone remembers how people and processes (conducted by people) make you feel.
Eventually I replied that it was good to hear from them and that for us to consider continuing the conversation, the company would have to pay an “exploration fee.” The prospect was surprised and asked why. “Because you cost us that amount last time you asked us to come to the table to discuss representing you and didn’t bother to tell us that you’d assigned the work to someone else. I need to know you’re serious about this potential relationship.” Unsurprisingly, they said they couldn’t do that, and I wished him luck in replacing the firm that they’d chosen 16 months earlier.
I guess I could have just not replied to their email. But avoiding uncomfortable conversations is how we got here in the first place. At worst, I’m the difficult agency lead. At best, this person learned that their actions (or inactions) speak volumes for them, and they’ll conduct themselves differently next time, so they have more options. And I didn’t waste any of my or my agency’s time pursuing a client that demonstrably doesn’t treat other companies well.
(I don’t know any marketing, PR, advertising, or other professional service agency that hasn’t been ghosted at least once…or twice, or three times…in the last two years. Matt Kasindorf wrote eloquently about this and how agencies can work to avoid being ghosted here.)
A Good Reputation Is Your Most Valuable Asset
Your reputation is the most valuable asset a person, a team, or an organization has. Every time you ghost someone—a client, a prospect, a colleague, a connection, a partner—you're not just avoiding a conversation; you are at best chipping away at your reputation, or at worst, building your bad reputation. People and entities with bad reputations have few options, fewer good-will partners, and fewer people willing to back them up or support them when you’re not there to defend yourself.
When you ghost, you’re not just avoiding a conversation, you’re removing yourself from a range of potential opportunities.
Recently, I was in a meeting discussing potential board members for a well-regarded nonprofit that always has more people who want to serve than board seats to fill. We removed half a dozen people from the list because of their reputations with people in the room. Reputations that might not be public but are alive and well with people who’ve had experience with those individuals. Individuals who now won’t be offered a coveted seat of influence.
People talk. Before you know it, your reputation for ghosting precedes you, turning potential opportunities into nonstarters.
So how to avoid becoming a Ghoster just because it’s easier right now?
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. If you're thinking of ghosting because a conversation might be uncomfortable, remember that a short moment of discomfort can prevent a long-term knock on your reputation. A simple message explaining your situation or decision can close a conversation respectfully and leave doors open for the future.
Set Clear Expectations. Sometimes, ghosting happens not out of malice but because of misaligned expectations. Be clear about what you can and cannot do, and about your timelines. It's better to be upfront about a potential "no" than to say "maybe" and then vanish into the ether.
Be Polite. Even if you're delivering disappointing news, a polite and respectful message ensures that the professional relationship remains intact, even if the current opportunity doesn't work out.
Provide Feedback. Feedback is a gift, especially if it’s hard to give. If you're ghosting because you don't want to deliver negative feedback, reconsider your approach. Constructive feedback can help the other person or organization grow and improve. And if you deliver constructive feedback respectfully and kindly, you’ll be building your reputation as a collaborator and value-adder.
In the end, you can control this part of your reputation. By simply following through in a dialog and closing it for now so that the other party knows where they stand, you are building your reputation. And if you want to re-engage with them in the future, either through the company you’re with now or one in the future, you will have a much higher chance of being able to if you complete communication respectfully.
Everything you do either contributes to or detracts from your reputation. Don’t let ghosting be a convenient non-action that detracts from your future opportunities.